We all know someone who has been through a divorce, many of us have experienced it ourselves. Divorce is an incredibly challenging period and comes with strong emotions, grief and loss, confusion, fear, worry, never ending questions and, often, conflict with the ex-partner.
This is further complicated if the separating couple are parents or own property together and now must work together to find a resolution.
As support people, it is natural to want to care and protect our loved ones. There are many ways we can do this effectively and a few ways we can inadvertently disempower our loved one or burden ourselves with the responsibility of fixing the problem or saving them.
6 tips that may help you be an effective support person to someone going through a separation or divorce.
- Look after yourself – Firstly, full credit to you for being there to support your loved one in their time of need. Being a support person can add extra onto your plate. It is important that you continue to “fill up your own cup” with self-care and prioritising the needs of your family. Being upfront about what you can and cannot commit to can ensure clear expectations and boundaries, which is helpful for you and your loved one.
- Be a great listener – Listening is an invaluable skill. It takes out the guess work. It allows us to deeply understand a person’s experience and what is important for them. Focussing on this task makes our role less complicated as we are not invited into any other role such as the rescuer, the problem solver, the advisor or the Judge. The person we are supporting will feel heard and understood. Receiving your undivided attention, they will feel less alone and more connected.
- Offer empathy and constructive feedback – A separating person may not show up as their best self during this process; to be fair, it is extremely difficult to do so under such trying circumstances. Be empathetic to how your loved one is feeling. Be explicit in sharing your positive view of who they are. Highlight their strengths and all the constructive ways you notice they are navigating the separation and their feelings, emotions and behaviours. Of equal importance is being honest with them if you see them going down a path you think will be detrimental for them or their children. It’s ok to say, “I see your intentions, I don’t think (your actions) demonstrate these intentions”, or “I know you are hurting, I don’t think (action) will serve you or the current situation well”.
- Stay neutral in the fight – Watching their story unfold, it is likely you will form opinions about what is happening for your loved one and even form an opinion about their ex-partner. It will be tempting to offer such opinions. Prior to doing so, ask yourself a few questions “Have they asked for my opinion? Is my opinion objective? Are they in a place to receive it? Will my opinion be useful for them focus on? Could this opinion affect our relationship now or in the future?”
- Avoid offering advice – Even the most well intended advice can be tricky for your loved one to receive. They will likely be receiving advice from many places, invited or otherwise, and it can lead to them feeling confused about which way is the right way forward for them. Unless you are an expert in the field and believe you can be objective with your loved one, a practical way of supporting them is to research relevant services that may be able to assist – including counsellors, accountants, mediation, lawyers. You could also help your loved one to write down a list of questions or prioritise tasks that may need to be done.
- Connect and promote self-care – Ask your loved one how you can best support them and be guided by them. If you loved one is not able to articulate their needs, seek permission to help them to arrange professional appointments, drop over nutritious meals, offer to babysit their kids while they take some time out for themselves. Invite them to meet with you regularly over coffee or to go for a walk. Send a text letting them know you are thinking of them. Ask them what helps them to feel calm and encourage them to practice this self-care as much as possible throughout this time.
While separation is certainly challenging, it also brings new opportunities, reflection and learning and a chance to align with one’s own values and create a preferred life. Be patient with the person you are supporting as it will take them some time to explore what this means for them. If you or your loved one, needs professional guidance, we have a multidisciplinary team ready to assist. Please call our friendly welcome team for more information.
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Article By: Kristal Simson
Child and Family Specialist
Kristal is our resident Child And Family Specialist. Kristal’s vision is that children and their families can and must remain in good shape even after separation and she is here to support you do just that! Kristal joined the team in 2020, bringing 15 years of experience working with children and families at the interface of Family Law.